Day 18: Restless Nights

Oh my gosh, you guys…is anyone out there actually sleeping?

Last night, I went to bed around 12:45. I take Trazadone every night and I also have a anti-depressant that makes me sleepy which I take at the same time. I took those about 45 minutes before bed. I then tossed and turned for 2 hours.

TWO HOURS.

Around 2 a.m., I moved to the guest room, hoping a change of venue would help. It sure didn’t! I began fretting about whether or not we’re sanitizing enough when we bring things into the house. Then the panic attack began. It was NOT GOOD, people. My biggest anxiety stems from the fact that I have asthma and have been coughing for 6 weeks now.* I am compromised — what if something happens to me? Who will take care of Tim and Mae? How will he find the important information he needs in this huge mess of an office? Then I think about how little time there is in the day (EVEN STILL) between homeschooling and trying to get enough billable work to keep us afloat. So when am I supposed to do all of the organizing I need to do?

Two hours of that.

A little before 4 a.m., I finally remembered the Yoga Nidra app I have on my phone. I did that for 10 minutes and felt much more calm. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep immediately after that.

Today, I am still full of anxiety and feel very down. First thing in the morning, I told Tim is that I am just not leaving the house. At all. I feel badly that I’ve been sending him out for groceries and essentials, but I’m limiting that now, too.

Some changes that are also about to happen:

• Yoga daily. I’m a member at Meraki Yoga on Timberline Road in Fort Collins. They have virtual classes that began yesterday. Perfect.
• Morning pages. I’ve been needing to get back to that for a long time now.
• At least 1 hour a day doing something creative just for me. Dinner prep can be creative, but that’s not what I mean.
• Work on my business, in addition to in my business.
• Clean this office. Even if I just clear one pile or drawer a day. Or half a pile or drawer. Something. I should start with this pile right here:

“Do the next right thing.”

– Elsa and Anna

* TO BE CLEAR: I am not sick. It’s just my normal allergy thing.)