Day 45: It Broke My Heart
Last night, my 6-year-old daughter said she wanted to live with her bio mom.
It all started with not wanting to take a bath. There was a huge fit.
There were myriad reasons for not wanting to bathe (there was too much water in the tub, for instance) — she kept giving a new excuse every time the old one didn’t work. She screamed and yelled. The word “NO!” was used repeatedly and very loudly. (Honestly, she’s been saying that word a LOT lately.) Everything escalated and then escalated even more and we had no idea what to do. She basically had a really bad panic attack and I thought we’d have to go to the hospital. Yes, it was that bad.
She wouldn’t even let me hug her, which is not like her at all. We tried the meditation app that she likes, but she was screaming so loudly that we couldn’t even hear it. At first Tim tried snuggling with her, and then she decided I could do better, so I snuggled with her (it took a long time for her to actually let me do that) and we talked. I finally got her to calm down a bit and she started asking about bio mom. Out of the blue. She said she wanted to live with her. She said she wanted to see her. I explained a few times, as I have in the past, that bio mom was sick and unable to take care of her babies and that’s why she and her brothers and sisters live with different families. Mae said she missed her. Of course, Mae was probably about 8 months old the last time she saw bio mom, so how is that even possible?
When she said she wanted to live with bio mom, I died inside a little bit. I know this is only the first of this kind of proclamation and expected it to happen someday. Just not so soon. I explained again that it wouldn’t be safe, but when she was older, she could contact bio mom if she wanted to. In a moment of desperation, I showed her the pictures of when Mae got her first haircut, because they’re the only ones I have of bio mom. Besides her mug shots, of course. (I collect info as the other moms and I find it and save it for future reference.)
That time.
That time that your adoptive daughter has a major meltdown over taking a bath and it ends up with you snuggling and trying to calm her and she wants to know about her biological mom. She’s barely 7 and she says she “misses her” and that she wants to see her. And you are dying inside, but you show her photos anyway — the only respectable ones you have — of her first haircut, to which you invited bio mom. And you promise to print a photo for your daughter’s bulletin board.
And then you die a little bit more..
I know she’s overwhelmed by being at home all of the time and only having mama and daddy as playmates and misses school and her friends and doesn’t know what to do with all of those feelings. I’m the same way, but I have Oreos and alcohol to get me through. 😉 She has a mom and dad who are stressed and are trying to do their work AND teach her school lessons and trying to be the best parents they can possibly be, while also being upset about the whole situation.
I am furious with our country’s administration for the position we’re all in right now. (More on that later.) We’re all breaking, and that’s not ok. And these kids deserve so much better than what this country is giving them right now.
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The first time my daughter told me “You’re not my real mom” and that she wanted to go live with her “real” mom broke my heart; and well over 25 years later I can still feel the stinging tears I did not let fall. It will happen again. In retrospect, I think that she wouldn’t have said it if she hadn’t felt safe saying it. It’s possible it has a component part of a little bit of a test to make that she will always be with you. It’s good she finally let you hold her. You’re giving her the reassurances she needs.
Thanks for sharing that, Joanne. It’s what I really need to hear. I know she feels safe and she’s been testing us purposefully a lot lately. I cried a lot, though not where she could see me. This poor kid has so much going on inside her little head and she’s so emotional to begin with. I know how I feel about the pandemic and I’m having a hard enough time processing, so I can only imagine what she’s feeling.
Tracey, Know that her asking about her bio mom or saying she wants to live with her is NOT about you!
I met Autumn when she was 4 and married her dad when she was 7 and formally adopted her when she was 9. She was forcibly removed from her bio mom at 2 and was only allowed supervised visits after my husband got custody.
There were many heart breaking questions over the years. You have to be somewhat detached from it and answer in an age appropriate way.
The most similar to your situation above was probably after we married. Autumn would resist going to sleep and say she wanted her mom. I would answer I am here. Then she would say no, the mom she was born from. (It is natural for a child to want his/her biological parent and a connection with them.) After probably months of this, I finally but calmly asked her what the mother you were born from would do differently if she were here in this room right now? The look of fear that came over her face was dramatic. It had not occurred to me it would scare her. She said nothing. After that maybe only once or twice out of habit she said it again but quickly corrected herself.
Autumn had asked if her mother wanted her at one point when she was little. I explained that her mother definitely wanted her. That her mother went to court to try to get her back but the judge decided that it was not safe for her and her older half sister to be with the mother, so he gave her to her dad. Years later Autumn asked who Brittany’s father was and why wasn’t she with him. I had to tell her that if her mother knew who the father was she never told, but at the time she claimed she didn’t know.
At one point and this was before we married, Autumn asked if her mother was going to die because her dad always said she was sick. I explained, it wasn’t that kind of sick, that there was something wrong with the way her mind works and she makes bad decisions which is why the judges said that even though she wanted kids she couldn’t keep them safe. Autumn’s mother had 2 more children after Authumn by 2 other men and those kids were eventually taken away.
I know Mae was probably too young to remember anything about her bio mom, but she probably has some fantasy about it. Also if she had contact with older siblings who remember the mom she may have “memories” through them or their stories.
Remember, everybody needs a meltdown sometimes. It is just part of life. Its ok.
Just remember a lot of what she is going through is not about you. Just reassure her you love her and you are there for her.
Oh my gosh, Maryellen, what a story! You handled that all of that very well. It’s such a difficult thing when the moms just can’t get it together. We saw a lot of that when we fostered and it was heartbreaking. We fostered a few years after I learned that I couldn’t carry a baby without a lot of expensive intervention, so it was still raw, but I felt good that we could help those kids. And it sounds like you helped Autumn through some serious stuff.
The reason we’ve always been honest with her about where she came from is because the day we picked her up, she was with two siblings, who were about 4 and 5. They were sweethearts and were so worried about where their baby sister was going, and they wanted to meet us. They went home with their dad and we promised we’d keep the kids in touch. There was no way that these kids, as young as they were, were going to forget her, since they were the ones taking care of her in the first place.
There are more half-siblings. We are in touch with all of them and get together whenever all of the family schedules work out. There’s no way to hide any of it. We ask the older ones not to talk about bio mom in front of Mae because they all have different personalities and memories. She may have heard something accidentally. She’s a bright girl and she’s curious about a lot of things. And she has a right to know where she came from, as painful as it might be.
And we all definitely do need meltdowns. I really think that they’re all coming so fast and so often now is because of this abnormal situation we’re living in. We’re changing up our approach a bit and also working with her therapist, OT, and teacher.
I was a stepmom, so not quite the same. However, their mother had mental issues and we had to even force visitation (when the kids were older). I heard this many times – you are not my mother…they wanted to go live with her…etc. I was advised by a very wise woman to create a mantra for the times when they lost control, acted out, were depressed or when the situation called for it. That mantra went something like — “I understand you are upset. I am sorry for the situation. But regardless of how badly you act or what happens, I love you and I am always here.” I can’t tell you how many times I said that. Now that they are older, my stepson said that while he was depressed, confused, mad, angry, etc., he heard me. He did not want to admit at the time that he did, but he said he heard me and those words were very important. Also, remember that parents are in this for the long haul. Just like the ebb and flow of seasons, children’s impressions are fluid so consistency and love are the most important things. Hang in there.
Rachel, that woman was wise, indeed, as are you for taking and using her advice. I think that’s a great way to handle the situation. I’m sure hoping it will work. And of course, I will always be there for her and I will always love her no matter what. That’s not even a question! 🙂
I think its ok for you to let her know that her words really hurt your feelings. A 7 yr old is certainly old enough to understand that words can hurt. It is ok to say ‘I’m sorry you feel like that today and that you’re angry at me. I love you and will always love you but your words really hurt my feelings”. You can also say ‘your bio mom isn’t part of our life right now. Someday when you are an adult I will be happy to share anything I know but for now we are your family and our rules are…’ Also, during a time when she’s calm you could also try to ask her what she remembers and why it makes her miss it. It might be that she remembers a smell or a song or something that she thinks was from her bio mom and you might be able to find a compromise that helps her with whatever it is that is triggering this behavior. It also gives you a change to bond and show her you support and love her and will always. Good luck!! (I am a single mom of a wonderful 26 yr old woman now and we definitely had our share of awkward conversations when she was little).
Thank you for those words of encouragement! It’s difficult to have those conversations with her because she gets super worked up, even if she started out in a calm manner. But I am definitely going to remember these suggestions when she has this particular issue again. I can only imagine what you had to go through as a single mom! We also talked with her therapist about having her ask some questions that we’d pass on to at least one of her half siblings to answer and we’d disseminate the info as appropriate.