Last night, my 6-year-old daughter said she wanted to live with her bio mom.
It all started with not wanting to take a bath. There was a huge fit.
There were myriad reasons for not wanting to bathe (there was too much water in the tub, for instance) — she kept giving a new excuse every time the old one didn’t work. She screamed and yelled. The word “NO!” was used repeatedly and very loudly. (Honestly, she’s been saying that word a LOT lately.) Everything escalated and then escalated even more and we had no idea what to do. She basically had a really bad panic attack and I thought we’d have to go to the hospital. Yes, it was that bad.
She wouldn’t even let me hug her, which is not like her at all. We tried the meditation app that she likes, but she was screaming so loudly that we couldn’t even hear it. At first Tim tried snuggling with her, and then she decided I could do better, so I snuggled with her (it took a long time for her to actually let me do that) and we talked. I finally got her to calm down a bit and she started asking about bio mom. Out of the blue. She said she wanted to live with her. She said she wanted to see her. I explained a few times, as I have in the past, that bio mom was sick and unable to take care of her babies and that’s why she and her brothers and sisters live with different families. Mae said she missed her. Of course, Mae was probably about 8 months old the last time she saw bio mom, so how is that even possible?
When she said she wanted to live with bio mom, I died inside a little bit. I know this is only the first of this kind of proclamation and expected it to happen someday. Just not so soon. I explained again that it wouldn’t be safe, but when she was older, she could contact bio mom if she wanted to. In a moment of desperation, I showed her the pictures of when Mae got her first haircut, because they’re the only ones I have of bio mom. Besides her mug shots, of course. (I collect info as the other moms and I find it and save it for future reference.)
That time that your adoptive daughter has a major meltdown over taking a bath and it ends up with you snuggling and trying to calm her and she wants to know about her biological mom. She’s barely 7 and she says she “misses her” and that she wants to see her. And you are dying inside, but you show her photos anyway — the only respectable ones you have — of her first haircut, to which you invited bio mom. And you promise to print a photo for your daughter’s bulletin board.
And then you die a little bit more..
I know she’s overwhelmed by being at home all of the time and only having mama and daddy as playmates and misses school and her friends and doesn’t know what to do with all of those feelings. I’m the same way, but I have Oreos and alcohol to get me through. 😉 She has a mom and dad who are stressed and are trying to do their work AND teach her school lessons and trying to be the best parents they can possibly be, while also being upset about the whole situation.
I am furious with our country’s administration for the position we’re all in right now. (More on that later.) We’re all breaking, and that’s not ok. And these kids deserve so much better than what this country is giving them right now.